


Tales from the Bowels of Hogwarts: The Assless Robe

by GinoFelino



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-04-20 11:48:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4786256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinoFelino/pseuds/GinoFelino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shameful, secret happenings from within the great castle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tales from the Bowels of Hogwarts: The Assless Robe

**Author's Note:**

> Each mini-chapter tells a tale from a different day in the life of Hogwarts residents. Hot damn.
> 
> (also 'bootylessious' isn't a typo, it's like bootylicious but with less booty. minus booty.)

Chapter One  

One day at Hogwarts, Harry was kicking Dobbie the house elf up the stairs.   
“Harry!” screamed Dobbie, crying and defecating wildly, “this isn’t what I expected. I thought we were lovers!”   
“Bah! Dumbledore’s more man than I will ever be. Why?!”  
Harry was suddenly interrupted by Dumbledore who looked really ripped. Harry suddenly turned and gazed longingly towards the headmaster, trying to conceal his massive wand. However, Hermione spotted it right away. Hermione smirked knowingly at Dobbie who was still weeping and defecating. Just then professor Snape stormed in, naked, apart from an assless robe. “Hmmm, what to do with that wand…”  Everyone looked and felt uncomfortable, apart from Dumbledore who really wanted to see more of Snape’s inappropriate conduct, and legs.

.........................................

Chapter Two: 2 Snapes 1 Statue

Voldemort defecated languidly, trying desperately to hide Dumbledore from the advances of Hermione and this insistent Potter. The faeces congealed into a massive sculpture of naked Hagrid looming over Snape and Snape was loving it, his assless robe swaying daintily over Dobbie.  
  “The time has arrived for a sacrifice!” Dobbie ejaculated loudly.  
“A big sacrifice,” Dumbledore chimed in. Snape looked exhilarated at the decomposing state of society as he rubbed his ass over his own sculpture.   "Eww, what kind of man would leave this much mess and depravity strewn around the great Hogwarts?! Hogwarts was never the location of so much horrific defilement and I've been waiting for this since last Tuesday, Dumbledore,” screamed Voldemort, crying loads and rubbing his hands on his wide, unusual nostrils. These nostrils which went wider and wider until he exploded into a smattering of faeces and evil intent. 

Who's safe?!

 

.........................................

Chapter Three

Potions sexmaster Potter (Lily) yelled into Severus’ assless new robe, “Hellllloo.”  He spun around, his wand dangling dangerously. Lily, stunned, defecated evilly. Snape reached maximum velocity and started clenching and thrusting into Lily’s cauldron of love. She thought that Severus could do her well, her deep well, if you know what I mean.  
Just then Dumbledore, ripped as fuck and stoned as a freed house elf, grabbed his colleague Severus by the wand and rump. He then grabbed and ran away with Lily, and Severus’s hot buns missed her. Snape pulled out his Marauder’s Map, “I solemnly swear that I am up to my balls in sweet lovin’.”  
Immediately the map spoke,  
“Dumbledore: he’s kidnapped many children. Please! He’ll eat them! And then he’ll eat me!! Oh my gooooooooooooddddd!”  
Snape immediately ran out: ass on broom, he flew to the children, broom bristles lodged uncomfortably in his sweet buns. Getting hungry, he left the children to their doom. 

Who safe?

.........................................

 

Chapter Four  

Professor Bonaparte couldn't help but salivate over the mandrake plant. He cut a fabulous figure in his assless body.  
“Dayummn,” said Hagrid, eyeing up that clunge, wasting saliva which could aid Dumbledore's sexy cause down below. He licked his umbrella and cast his net out over that bootylessious Professor Bonaparte. “Whoopsie!” Hagrid giggled while ensnaring the emperor.  
“Sacré bleu, what are you doing?!” ejaculated Napoleon orgasmically. Tightening the net, Hagrid flushed and dragged the net to Snape's chambers.

Breaking the door, Snape defecated wildly. Bonaparte's envy burned through the floor, thus facilitating his escape. But he no longer wanted to be without Snape's booty. The stolen assless robe, taken from fair Paris, which clung tightly to every contour of his magnificent body, sans butt, looked sexcellent.  
“Mmmm,” whispered Dobbie. Who safe?!

 

.........................................

 

Chapter 5

McGonagall frowned maniacally as Snape defecated onto Dobbie.  
“Snape, you assless-robed fiend of Antarctica!”  
Snow blanketed over all Hogsmeade. Puppies froze midaction and were taken by Dumbledore back home for cuddles and moar. Dumbledore forgot that he hadn't fed Harry's mum with his nightly treat, which Lily awaited daily. Brushing dead puppies off his robes (killing even more) the temperature rose and so clothes got lost in the dead puppy soup. Dumbledore was confused yet still very ready for sexcellent times with Harry. Lily was enraged, why him first?!

 

.........................................

 

Chapter 6

Ginny laughed sadly at Harry's wand, which was disappointingly meagre. However, Harry's expression made Ginny warm to Harry's desires. “Look, wood!” she exclaimed.  
“I never would look at someone...” said Harry, “someone so second-rate as Hermione.”   
“You liar!” said Ron, who was hiding, horny as a boggart trained by Dumbledore in the dark. Ron was harbouring painful memories from their last threesome in which Harry sucked balls at sucking balls and Hermione never showed even a little bit...  
Snape however decided to wear a Hermione mask with gimp suit underneath, assless robe fluttering wildly like a drugged hippogriff in the Forbidden Forest. This killed the atmosphere, but not for Harry. “Potions Sexmaster, teach me.”

 

.........................................

 

Chapter 7

Voldemort stepped onto steaming faeces and started lapping it into his nostrils while defecating profusely. Meanwhile, professor Snape was reading his winter fashion catalogue, defecating and cackling with excitement at his own faeces on Cedric's face.  
“Give me liiiiiiiiife”, he chanted coldly, as he poured mysterious liquid onto his victim's shit-encrusted corpse. Suddenly Cedric vomited alive and proceeded to fellate Snape's ego.  
“Potions Sexmaster, you have reanimated me and in return I will return the favour, not with sexual favours but with sexual flavours. When at death's door I will present my true flavour: faeces delight.”  
“Less talking, more favours,” Snape sneered. Cedric swallowed and obliged. “Goooooood. Without me, the world would be devoid of something fragrant.”

 

.........................................

 

Chapter 8

Neville Longbottom’s long bottom was famed for both its length and its depth. Malfoy took the sweet long plunge into Snape’s dungeon. His quest was to reach Potions Sexmaster; disrobe him, nick the robe, make off with it and give it to Mr Longbottom. However, he didn’t expect Professor Trelawny to reveal her lengthier ass, not just to him but to everyone in their feverish nightmares.

This shocked Draco into giving the robe to Dreamweaver Trelawny. Little did she expect Neville’s challenge to an ass-off which they immediately hosted, with Severus Snape competing for return of his beloved assless robe. THWACK. CRASH. Devastation everywhere. It was too much for Hogwarts, which shuddered and groaned in sheer ecstasy, shuddering and pivoting aimlessly. KABUM. A final blow. 

Who safe?! 

.........................................

 

Chapter 9  

Last Tuesday Dumbledore went into the moist crevasse where he encountered potions everywhere. He bitterly regretted doing the nasty with Grindelwald and Tom Riddle. The dark lord was the best lover ever, hot fucking damn. He defecated uncontrollably in remembrance of this sacred memory.  
  “But anyway, the potion I was looking at was alluringly shaped and tasted similar to cheese and blood. Wow.”

Deep in Tom’s bum observed Snape, watching from within. Whenever these shrinking potions were consumed anally, there will be an unexpected release of jism in the moist cavern. Snape cackled. Dumbledore pulled his head muscle whilst straining valiantly to escape the pensive. However, his ass remembered. Snape’s assless robe smattered with the faeces and various other fluids.  
“What’s going on here?!……”

.........................................

 

Chapter 10

The gargantuan clunge-shaped door opened wide and Flitwick and Sprout exited, their hands clasped to their wands which were sprouting.  
“Oh Flitty, you so itty-bitty. I wish we had somewhere to get real gritty in this city.”  
“One fine day, my Sprout, we will shout about nowt, and never go without one another, my brother undercover.”  
“The next chance we get, we’ll escape from the net and never again Dumbledore’s pet shall forget to get wet.”  
“What’s this foolishness?” ejaculated Potions Sexmaster Snape. The door came alive, slurping viciously and spewing poetry, prose and faeces while convulsing erotically.  
“Sentient clunges don’t exist in my potions class. That crass, sass-filled crevasse is ass. It sucks ass. I’ll pass on this most unique chance for some flash dance with no romance. Perchance my assless robe of France, Asstaculance, be desecrated in such grotesque imagery.”  

This was the best day evar.

 

.........................................

 

Chapter 11

Luna Goodlover spied Dumbledore’s giant pet sentient clarinet and gave a lovejob to the owner in gratitude and worship of Dumbledore’s exquisite instrument. Dumbledore thanked her for excellent fingering, “Oh god yes. Now undress that house elf over there and find it an assless robe.”    
“What’s this rumpus in this campus?!” exclaimed the Sexmaster. He was pissed at Luna’s sloppy tonguing (previously famed for giving Oliver Wood wood). “Wroooooooooooong. Observe!” said Snape, who then proceeded to demonstrate the correct way to handle such fine music as Lovejob’s Sonata.

“Wowzers! That excites my Elder Wand. Play it like you mean it. Forte, FORTE, ALLEGRO, FORTISSIMO, ORGASMIGRO, SEXCELLENTE!!!!!” gasped Dumbledore. By then the entire house elf kitchen staff had gathered to witness. Also the students, faculty and Neville roared with appreciation and some confusion at the Sexmaster’s Symphony.


	2. The Spooky Mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tales continue, including the Halloween Special.

 

Chapter 12

 

Hagrid’s hot spider stew dribbled erotically down Harry’s exposed midriff and socks.

“Oh my! Oh yes!” said Ron internally, wishing and defecating all over the potions classroom.

“What’s goin’ down, ma homies?” exclaimed Professor Snape whilst suckling Hagrid’s laden ladle, which was his cock. Such cock. Full stop. Ron proceeded to scream Harry’s name uncomfortably loudly, hardening Hagrid’s ladle. 

Harry, being neck-deep in faeces and “stew”, suddenly sneezed awake to find it was real. Smiling, he reflected with his teeth the glow of Snape’s shimmering assless robe and offered him sexual flavours.  
“Potions Sexmaster, lay claim to many pleasures. Use my clunge to whatever end in whichever end.”

 

...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 13

 

“Clunge is clunge. Thus clunge likes assless robes.” said potions student Hermione. She was quoting from Potions Sexmaster Lily Potter. “Oh Dumbledore, I didn’t hear you enter Snape’s past too.”

 

Respiratory difficulties prevented Hermione from voicing lustful thoughts about Trelawny eating Lily out viciously. Defecating painfully, Hagrid grabbed his best nipple and tugged it off. 

“I regret everything, but would change nothing; only my nipple shall remain in the past. I’m bleeding and shirtless. It’s cold, bleedin’… dying… farewell cruel nipple. Hagrid sleep forever… uuhrrh.” 

Hermione came. The fantasy of Lilawny materialised before her boobs gave up. “Wowzers, that was close,” Hermione sighed. She nearly came again, but Zombie Hagrid came first, ejaculating, “Ladies, meet ladle; ladle, meet ladies.” 

This memorable time, brought to you by Dumblecreep’s pensive, and cock. Such cock. Full stop.

 

 ...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 14

 

Defecating noisily, the Basilisk couldn’t help but break his silence angrily. This prompted Potions Sexmaster Snape to concoct his best concoction, such the likes of which had been foretold by incredibly sexy Gringott’s Bank vault goblins. He smiled evilly, knowing how ~potent Basilisk shit~ makes erotic fantasies true.

>poof<   
Goblins, bikinis, Harry!  
Thus began the most erotic yet smelly dance party orgy ever seen. Evar.

 Dumbledore’s grand entrance on Snape’s back, tattooed in black, arrow showing the aforementioned clunge. Many did plunge into its depths. Many did plunge gripping their wands, to their death.

 “Haaaalt,” Dolores Umbridge ejaculated, literally and figuratively, “This orgy is against school policy… goblins everywhere… gobblin’ everywhere, knobbin’ everywhere.”

 The goblins ignored her, depositing from their ‘vaults’ and emptying their ‘accounts’. Snape was still watching and danced over to ‘cash’ a big ‘cheque’. Harry meanwhile was transacting gold for goblin ass. That day, Gringotts became the richest bank in the world. But from whose safe??

 

 ...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 15

 

“Fellow students,” proclaimed Neville, “I have no patience for Hufflepuffs.” He looked lustfully at the crowd, “Dayumn, crowd, you all suck balls so well. Try harder on mine next time.” They salivated, eager to realise their potential.

“*slurp* How’s this?”

“You suck like a vacuuming succubus. Maybe next time the Sexmaster will help you out.”

“What’s this rumpus?” came a booming Snape-themed karaoke unexpectedly from above, sung by McGonagall whilst gargling the Headmaster’s special brew. She too hated Hufflepuffs.

 

“Kill them. Kill them,” her voice raged with the intensity of a bowl of angry kittens. A really small bowl, which Umbridge kept in the Sexmaster’s forbidden closet. Snape didn’t like kittens, he adored them. 

“Kitty…” he purred at Umbridge, as he kittenpulted them gleefully out the window at the assembled fellaters. Reunited at last. However, just then the Headmaster caught wind of the catastrophe.

“I’ve a spell to improve all oral. Accio angry kittens.” Holding all the kittens tightly, the crowd went flying and Neville’s balls were no more.

 

 

 ...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 16

 

Hermione really wasn’t that bad. Furthermore she excelled at dragon wrangling, strangling and explodling… 

>KABOOM< Norbert went.

“Not again!” ejaculated Hermione. She wept anally… *slosh*. Fortunately, ass-tears fetch a high price in London. Not in Diagon Alley but in Ane-Alley. 

“Hagrid go shopping now”, exclaimed the half-giant. He too wept anally… *slosh*. They apparated to escape the ass-tear collectors. “Hagrid protect Hermione.”

 

Suddenly Voldemort’s lair was before them. They screamed orally and anally… *slosh slosh*

 *SLURP*

“Badman… [Hagrid pointed]… snake face.”

 

Voldemort had appeared. “Hey clumsygiant beardface.”

“You’re the Riddler! AKA. the Piddler.”

“Prepare to die at the hands you love most. Get them, Potions Sexmaster.”

 They shat themselves over and over. 

“Yes M’Lord,” winked the Sexmaster anally. It was beautiful, Snape ever dutiful and most bootyful. Suddenly the faeces formed a protective cocoon around them.

 

 

......................................  

 

 

Chapter 17 - The Halloween Special

 

One Hallow’s Eve under a full clunge, Malfoy ejaculated, “Dementor parties rule!” His pumpkin pastie entered him orally and exited him in a gush from his ear. He wept.  Meanwhile the Sexmaster’s spooky selebration was attracting all kinds, who were spooping everywhere. This killed Snape’s buzz. But his costume rocked; naked except for a wizard hat— formerly belonging to Dumbledore— on his crotch, to stash his ‘wand’. And cock.

Hogwarts ghosts are ghosts in Hogwarts. Little did the Sexmaster not defecate on. “Delicious!” ejaculated Malfoy, arriving with his entourage by hippogriff, “Mummy, Daddy, meet—”

“Helloooooooo,” ejaculated Lucius, greeting the piles of lukewarm faeces-devouring sexy vault goblins. Snape was offended/hard, “He’s too much man for this man.”

Narcissa ejaculated loudly, messily, quietly. “Aaaaaaaa! *splosh* [sigh].”

Awkwardly, nobody was into this. Snape was into Lucius and Lucius did approve. Draco didn’t. Narcissa did. 

“Hellooo father number two…” Draco vomited with resignation.

 

Suddenly a spooky mist exited from the Sexmaster’s many orifices. “Pretty spoopy,” vomited legless Nearly-Headless Nick. He was a hypocrite. Professor Poirot entered Snape’s secret dungeon and examined clues. Then he left as the gatecrashers arrived. It was the Hufflepuffs. McGonagall swooped in, eyes all fucked up, charging extortionate rates for her ‘pumpkin pastie’. She huffed, enraged like dragon.

 

“This trouble. Party over,” ejaculated Hagrid… but everyone ignored him. Suddenly explosions stopped happening. Fireworks over the castle rained down.   
  
“Happy Halloween!” said everyone, except for Snape who had his mouth full.

 


	3. Dumbledore dumbledidn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More dark tales, including the Christmas Special

Chapter 18

The gigantic spider Aragog gasped as Hagrid unzipped his giant spider costume he stole on Halloween. 

“Yeahhh… take it off!” screamed all the staff, apart from Umbridge who salivated quietly alone, crying, tears and saliva mixing. A new galaxy was consumed by our galaxy. (It hungered.)   “Strange evening,” sneezed Snape the Galactic Sexmaster, ruler of all things assless and moist. Assful Aragog, alien-possessed by goblons, fake ones, became enraged and aroused.

“Dem’s vault goblons from Gringopolis. Shiiiiit.”   The screaming from Snape’s beloved fans became deafening, “Snapey… sexy… free us Earthlings from Dumblezorg’s wrath and insatiable lust!” His restless wand also screamed, but in space no-one can hear you orgasm. Or defecate. Thank the gods. 

Who space?!!?

 

...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 19

The Philosopher’s Stone was rammed up Fred’s chamber of secret pleasures and positions of Azkabang. 

“I am god,” said Malfoy, Draco, fully erect and ready to pounce. But then diarrhoea came spilling forth, easing his entrance. Thankfully elsewhere something popped out Fred’s glory hole. 

“Jeepers! I came,” Jesus ejaculated.  
Moaning Myrtle renounced her faith immediately. Then she opened her icy heart and mouth, spewing deadly icicles onto her ex-lord. Assgunk went everywhere. 

Meanwhile Snape, bathed in a luxurious fecal-filled holy glory-hole, was smote anally by Dumblezorg, licking. Dumblezorg didn’t notice until he died. Dumblezorg was dead, really, really dead. Jesus was coming to revive Dumblezorg, but he failed. His second coming was explosive and no-one survived in the vicinity. Hogwarts was silent but Snape’s moaning brought back Dumblezorg for five minutes. He was dead. So dead. 

Who faith?!!

 

...................................... 

 

     Chapter 20

Scabbers always lived with rats, all his sexy life. Little did Ron know that trusting a rat fucks shit up. Pettigrew loved to fuck things, undulating wildly. He samba’d into the setting sun and regretted life decisions vehemently. Trained ants squatted and squirmed and formed new galaxies. These galaxies were only imaginary figments like ours, so JK parodied reality as Dumblezorg was forgotten. Sirius looked aghast and a gust of foul smelling wind flung the ants into Severus’ fiery ass.

“Yeeeeeaaahh,” ejaculated the Sexmaster as he felt the fire arsely.

“I regret my career,” said JK vomitingly while reading this masterpiece. Whoa, meta. This is the awakening of Dumblezorg (plague of all literature). Sirius was terrified and hated Dumblezorg’s very existence. But Dumblezorg loved all. Dumblezorg, aka Jesus Christ, rose again. 

Who saved??!!

 

 

...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 21

Gringotts’ vault was overflowing with defecation *slosh*. Goblins slinked merrily into deep sleep, then death… sweet death. So dead.

“Now, reviving defe-killed goblins is my job, baby,” spoke professor Hooch from her cooch. 

“That’s quite a clunge I spy with my little bell-end. Once you’ve revived the goblins, spread your wings and fly to somewhere else, you loser!”

Hooch summoned her flock anally with a great musical dildo. The goblins strutted towards her like goblin supermodels. They were so disinterested in Hooch’s reanimating ways so they brought back the moonwalk. *slosh*   Snape slung his massive cock back and cackled ecstatically at his own glorious manhood, which illuminated all mortals and dongs.

 

...................................... 

 

 

Chapter 22

*Sploodge* went sploodging Sploodgemeister III and Draco couldn’t understand sploodgecabulary. “Wowzers!” He came, screaming “Potterrr!” *sploodge* 

Remarkably, Dumbledore came at once, *SPLOODGE* Hogwarts wept cum. Hermione didn’t… *sploodge* She ejaculated diamonds, which hurt. 

“What’s this mess? Semen? Yes,” Snape sploodged adjectives all anally, his assless robe shuddering violently, erotically, and poignantly. Octopi occupied Trelawny’s clunge, occulary, left dickhole, wing-bone… and she sploodged mercilessly through every crevice. Neville sploodged too much. Lasers lasered all.

“Sexy!” Draco Pottered, Weasley’d and Grangered;  
[*kerplunk*] [*shazam*] [*sploodge*] [*moooooo*] [*boooiiiing*] [*kablamo*]

 

Who sated?!

 

......................................

 

 

 

Chapter 23: The Christmas Special

Molly Weasley ejaculated snowflakes into Harry’s open mouth, “Season’s Greetings, supple Harry.”

“‘Sup?” said Crabb gleefully whilst gripping Harry’s arm festively, shoving it up Neville’s long bottom. Unfortunately a loud, shuddering train, Hogwarts Express, hit Santa’s sleigh. Harry gasped approvingly. Molly Weasley screamed in vile ecstasy. Santa’s clothes fell off. 

Snape admired his jingle balls, “Hmmm… bet he delivers more than a few eccies tonight.”

Dobbie freed Santa’s slaves, who swarmed around Molly, gripping their candy canes. Harry sweated nervously, his trousers sopping with feaces. All of a sudden, Dumbledore dumbledidn’t dumblescore. “Dumbledrat,” he dumblemumbled. The Christmas revolution had dumbledawned.

Gripping his dumbledong, twitching with rage and spewing forth Dumblelove, covering all, he fled.

Warm faeces melted snow. Snape observed and wept anally. “Where’s my pressie?”

The contents of Santa’s sack lay strewn across the bottom of Dumbledore’s robes, staining them permanently. Neville extracted Harry’s arm, then shoved it up the void in Snape’s assless robe.    
“Professor Snape, here’s some eccies, ho ho ho ho!” Snape, usually straightedge, decided he couldn’t resist Santa’s Christmas drug binge offer. He got high as fuck. His bowels emptied everywhere, revealing the true spirit of Christmas. Don’t do drugs, kids. Jesus says crucifixion’s nothing compared to cocaine. He would know. 

Merry Christmas to all at Hogwarts. Keep safe.


	4. The Weasley Fuckboiz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild ride in which many scream, weep, and otherwise emit... things. There's pornography, there's a fight club, there's a pop princess with a dark secret!

Chapter 24

Fred, Ravaging George and Rubbish Ron watched internet pornography whilst screaming. The combined ecstasy of the brothers combined cocks in Ginny Weasley’s lover Harry’s wide open mouth. Harry was supposed to be with the Sexmaster Snape, pounding the night away.

Leaving the pensive, Dumbledore smiled heartily. He too screamed at the recollection. “Potter’s mouth… shiiiiit, and come… they’re infinite!” Dumbledore wept.

His phoenix did rise again. “Ffffire…”  
*sploodge… splooodge… sploooooodge!*

The door opened with a bang, also screaming. Trelawny foresaw this and did nothing.  
“… accio Dumblecome…” *splat*   The Hogwarts grounds quaked with the power. Every student was raptured apart from the Weasley Fuckboiz who dined in Snape’s secret supplies. Feeling surprisingly drowsy, they passed out and awoke to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2.0 mooning, moaning and mooing, demanding Hogwarts’ closure. But she failed.

 

 

......................................

 

 

Chapter 25

One merry evening the castle cried alone while Hermione and friends raided the kitchen and their asses, yielding arsely rewards.

“Yummy!” ejaculated Harry, eating some pancakes which were covered for damages and happiness. Suddenly Harry realised he’d forgotten the first rule of fight club.  
   
AND NOW, Hagrid vs Gilderoy Lockheart… on acid. Let the homoerotic imaginary dance-fight begin!

Lockheart oiled himself and pirouetted. Hagrid just punched him in the crotch.

“Surprise!” Bellatrix emerged from Lockheart’s trapdoor sex dungeon, reaching for Hagrid’s magic umbrella. Lockheart’s power level rose to nothing. *THUNK* Crotch contact of the worst kind. Pain. Bewilderment. Awe. Lockheart felt many emotions, fainting with orgasm. Hagrid’s loins felt left out. He screamed lustfully and tore off his skin, muscle, organs, and smiled. Bellatrix gasped as Hagrid disintegrated before them. Lockheart, revived, purred forcefully until he noticed the Sexmaster merging with Hagrid at a cellular level. Thus began Snagrid.

Who Snape??!

 

 

......................................

 

 

Chapter 26

Humping Hooch tried to stop the Dumblecome from invading Snagrid’s anus. She failed. Elsewhere, in Snagrid’s ear, came a great flood of glorious goo.  “Gooood ear sex doesn’t exist,” cried Hooch.

“Oo-urr… sexcellent. This is the most beautiful sight I’ve sighted with my shrimp eyes,” bellowed the vocal hole/suck hole of Filch. He breathed using his lung bags through his air tube, hauntingly but not haltingly. The Filchling with its incessant presence did disturb all who saw its skin sack. Ripping the skin, Snagrid did create a supreme being.

Ripping their robe to accommodate their combined booty, they emerged victorious from Hogwarts’ beauty contest. The crowd went numb with shock, fainting and dying. Harry was furious as a puddle of angry lava and urine. In incredulity, Harry snatched that ass… trophy. The Sexmaster noticed this injustice and stole Harry’s glasses. The crowd realised and started chasing the Sexmaster. Thus beran Snagrid.   The hunt begins.

Who Snape?!!

 

 

......................................

 

 

Chapter 27

Harry shitted in full view of Ron’s erection, which dribbled his balls. “Home run! OH BOY!!!” ejaculated Dumbledore. He angered Jesus Christ; Jesus wept wine anally, vomiting bread and fish. Ron did recant the sins of yore through his butt. Harry chuckled lustily while munching bread.

Fresh from victory, Voldemort ejaculated. Everywhere. Harry was horrified but was loving the D.  
“Faeces for dinner again!” chorused the Malfoys.  
“Halt there, villains!” screamed the Weasley Fuckboiz.  
“Imperius!” shrieked Ravaging George, as he shat on their faces and prevented them eating cock.  
“Oh bollocks. We’re having a great time. Could this get any better?!”  
It could.  Suddenly the faeces got even tastier as it mixed with the fuckable atmosphere and saliva and moar.  
“Yum. Much come, up my incredibly muscular yet mysterious posterius.” Suddenly an explosion cut their meal short… and their cocks shorter.  
“Owch!”

Who castrate?!

 

 

......................................

 

 

Chapter 28

The Hogwarts Express hurtled towards the small village of Hogsmeade, better known as the village of vile depravity and promiscuity. Harry Potter groaned orgasmically as the door opened. He began to convulse erotically, languidly and slimily on the floor. “What’s happening here?” Ron screamed, crying happily, wishing he was a door of such kinky proportions. Ron wondered what forbidden pleasures awaited him in the Room of Requirement. He stared longingly, hand creeping masturbatingly towards the door knob, gripping hard. 

Harry almost exploded, but just then Ron exploded… erotically. Guts flew everywhere… the mess was covering Harry’s supple wizard abs and quads. Harry revelled until dawn, revealing his fetish for Dumbledore’s white beard.

Into the pensive went Dumbledore, looking mischievous and aroused. “Hot damn, Harry. My beard’s dripping and I am hoping for relief.”

Harry swept Ron into the bin of resurrection. KABOOM!

 

 

......................................

 

 

Chapter 29

Diagon Alley thronged with sumptuous faeces-loving wizards shitting faecal slurry.  
“Savvy shoppers should shop sexily,” Snape half whispered/gurgled. *slosh*   
Avril Lavigne, princess, did not exist until now.  
“Hello— ” She was interrupted.  
God had enough of other artists, and Dumbledore had a huge cock. He knew how good it felt to listen to the screams and uncontrollable diarrhoea that plagued him daily, compared to Avril Lavigne’s spleen. The spleen did gleam through the faeces like a beacon of shit music… literally. Snape howled like wolf and emptied his bowels into a bag, lobbing it at Avril Lavigne haterz. Snape was not done yet.  
 “Kawaii,” wailed a voice, “I mean… crucio!”  
Avril Lavigne screamed locusts and became her true form, wings a-flappin’, ablaze in hellish flames.  

“Avril… why’d you have to kill everyone?”   


The monster wept. Remorse. Inner pain.

“Avril kedavra ME!”

“Good night sweet princess… may flights of locust sing thee to thy rest… we’re safe.”


	5. Wolf von Malfoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Further tales unfold, more terrifying and arousing than ever. Includes the Valentine's Day special.

Chapter 30: The Valentines Day Special

The Potions Lovemaster romantically defecated everywhere as a Valentines offering to Filch.  
“Wowzer!” spewed Filch. Cum, spewed Snape, as he came into a bouquet of freshly picked lilies. Lily’s lilies.  
“Thaaaaanks,” Lily li-lied, ass to the decomposing mouth. Romance leads to no pants in France… and also death. Diarrhoea, pink with love, rained over Hogwarts. YEEEAA.   Suddenly the loverific Weasley Fuckboiz serenaded their dear friend and lover Snagrid, whose gaping air vents fumed lustfully. Drawing their wands (wink), they romanced a stone-hard Stone Cold Steven Austin (what a stunner). His weapon of ass destruction swung to attention. Cherubs, drunk as fuck, suckulated Stevie’s schlongtastic stunner.  
“Can you smell-“  
“JOHN CENA!”  Snape fanboyed hysterically. His love spilled from his nostrils and ass. Sploodge is come. Yum. Thus began a night of sweat, wrestling and romance. Roses fell from everyone’s orifices. Thorns hurt.  
Stay safe and sexcellent.

 

 

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Chapter 31

Sprout sprouted sprouts. God that sucked dinosaur balls in dese halls. Flitty was impressed, so removed his vest. Pretty boring, eh?   “If I may disagree!” exclaimed McGonnagal. She was retching but rather fetching. Beautiful clunge. Exquisite.  
“A fine vintage, aged in oak,” admired the students, “A full-bodied clunge.”  
Hairy. Dripping. Squelching. Seeping.  
“This is the *one*. The one we’ve been crying about for years. Fetch the prophecy scrolls. They’re in Snagrid’s anus! Who’ll venture arsely deep?” asked Dumbledore. No-one volunteered.

Harry licked his lips, too excited to speak. Reaching in, pulling out, shakin’ it all about, Harry hokey-kokeyed around. He extracted the prophecy. Shrilly he read aloud, “McGonnagal is the one. The one is McGonnagal.” Duty finished, Snagrid separated. Snape shrieked, and fell in love with McG(one)agal. Yaaawwwwn. Sigh. Right.  
“So, this bitch-witch is the chosen one, huh?” ejaculated a mysterious voice.

JEALOUSY.

 

 

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Chapter 32

Frightfully flying won’t do anyone. Thus ended Harry’s life work cuminating discretely into himself. He screamed, discretion lost. “Worth it. I thank tinky winky, my dong, your dong, and Hermione Granger.” Sprout’s arsley parsley won second place in Harry’s affections. First was llamas and floppy geese. “Oh, your Hotness, most assful master…” began Mad Eye Moody; now Mad Eye Horny.  
“Dear god…” breathed Harry, clenching up the flag pole. Blighty is for weasels, unfeasibles and the unspoken-for masses. Harry descended, aghast, landing on Horny’s favourite spermatozoa, Frank. Mad Eye wept, satisfied Harry who birthed an extraordinary hawk: Rawk Cawck Hawk, which took flight. Moody loved it until it gouged his cock off; replaced by tentacle in later surgery. For now though Moody got woody (wood penis) prosthetic from Olivander’s: Wand Suctition. Sucking excellence since 1532.

Harry needed wood pronto. Moody did provide. The night was young, but Moody was old school; “Hey kids, why is this school open like my ass?” The children recoiled and Harry was impressed. 

Stay chafe. 

 

 

 

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Chapter 33

Voldemort crept, whales sighed, mountains breathed, but asthmatically. Ginny was quietly watching. Moons passed solemnly twixt licks and flames. She observed and wept like pigeon whose flight sundered was, by chunky bludgers. Harry ran amok until he crashed. His blue screen becometh twilight black. Snape, arse bereft of assless robe, tiptoed towards Dumbledore’s dumbledoor. Sploodge came forth thusly indeed.

Dumbledore tumbled forth, almost squashing Snape. Robeless was he. What man could steal mine heart? Voldemort peacefully pondered the scene before him and undressed.

And they fucked and they fucked but it sucked, though fists went places they’d never been. Juices lay strewn twixt writhing bodies. They fucked as snakes fuck meerkats; languidly, but also fast. They got faster, faster! like rabbits caught in the headlights of sexual desire. Ginny watched in horrner as they fucked, convinced that this was normal. For them it was: a kinky cockophany of long-repressed, animalistic dumbletumbling.

Ginny wished she could watch for eternity, but ALAS the night was o’er. 

 

 

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Chapter 34

Hedwig flew through a window, dying with laughter at Harry’s pitiful attempts to put condom. Harry was clueless. He was dragging his bedraggled dragon, Norbert, down with his angst. Whiningly he brought his problems far into Pomfrey’s anus of a hospital wing. 

“Madame, I cannot condom.” His ultrasized condom embiggened.

“Young Harry, you need guidance. Say prayer. Kneel. The Sexmaster shall answer.”   “What’s this flacidness?’ said Snape with acidness in his vocal hole, “I’ve seen this affliction before. Your father never pleasured anyone. Anyway, present your intestines, son of James, lest ye be afflicted.” Harry complied, lovin’ it. Snape, dragging the intestines towersdly, planned to pump ‘em with gasoline. “INCENDIO DICKWAD!”   Harry’s bowels blazed brilliantly, though he knew no fear. Intestinal fuse heading asswardly, Harry prepared for the upcoming exam. KABOOM! Fecal fireworks flew forth freely. Harry gathered himself, looking emboldened. He condomed masterfully, weeping tears of joy in his dying moments. Madame Pomfrey demanded answers.

Harry thanked the Sexmaster nightly for a month. Madame Pomfrey got thanked in the ass every day.   Who safe? Harry’s safe.

 

 

 

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Chapter 35

Dark it was, in Dumbledore’s mind. Luna crept libraryward, her candle flickering under the invisibility cloak. Wolves howled. Surprised, Luna debowled the forbidden section of la bibliothèque. Pages flew everywhere. Luna howled too loudly. Malfoy heard his cock rip through his jeans. He dreamt of ass so much that he nearly died. Books are cool, but this tome is kept safe. Luna searched far within das section verboten.

“Zut alors! Wolf von Malfoy— Draco’s German granddaddy — cometh!” whispered the Potions Sexmaster, out of breath, orgasmically, like amoebas discovering sex; his anus dripping.

“Rrruff!” said Wolf von Malfoy, whose hairy haunches swelled to an incredible size. Luna stripped like snake. Shit seeped vaginally. “Boyyys,” von Malfoy purred, “komm.” Snape’s leaking intensified, and still he regretted nothing. Luna’s Fleshless Fellatio, featured in cinemas near you! Starring Wolf von Malfoy in a howling performance. Snape would watch that and think of James, turning hate to hunger and flesh to boner.

Dumbledore jerked his head, straining, screaming, remembering. He unleashed his silvery stream, filling the penisive with erotic silvery memories. DOGGIE STYLE.

 

 

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Chapter 36

Late one night somebody took flight to Hagrid’s hut. Sipping Hagrid’s latte— Italian style, baby— Buckbeak did sup that sweet joe. Hagrid’s fire roared out his mouth. 

“That’s hot cum! Care for antipasti?”

“Indeed,” whispered Dudley. Hagrid was aroused. Buckbeak was ensorcelled into his chains on Hagrid’s bed.

“Care for ball-ognese, my feathered friend?” Buckbeak was hungry… hungry for revenge. Buckbeak, downing latte—full-on Italian style— broke free, enraged. He flapped violently and fapped more violently, simultaneously punching Hagrid in anus with hoof, arsely deep. Buckbeak became stuckbeak, hoof in ass. He was taking a wee buckpeak into the future. Terrifying visions showed him the extent of Hagrid’s raw power… and cock.  
 Meanwhile Dudley pondered. “I’m but a muggle, Dumbledore’s dumblemuggle, and have been anointed by him.” Dudley wasn’t lying, he felt slippery and wet like overripe pear. SUCKTASTIC. Ready for action. Action arrived in the form of Hagrid’s giant dick. Spotted dick, that is, spotted by Dudley. Slobberific. Dudley prepared to kiss and the penne dropped for all involved. 

Hagrid tried to remove the hoof. He never did, ever. So he married Buckbeak. They were together forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'horrner' is horny horror.   
> 'towersdly' is towards a tower... in the direction of a tower.


	6. Mmmugglelicious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tales continue ever onward, with plenty of action in Ane Alley.

Chapter 37

Peeves flew violently through the hallways of Azkaban. C4 under his hat, the head dementor started sucking the fun outta murder. Bellatrix snuck past them, trying not to fun. She failed: her clown tendencies taking over. Her giant shoes and big red socks whizzed off up Peeves’ sleeves. He wept, fearful of house elves, who then swarmed out of every orifice of the imprisoned Death Eaters. 

Then Moses arrived, kicking biblically big butt but to no avail. The wizard alarm went crazy: “HARRYISABLOWJOB”.  
Moses whipped his house elf slaves… the hypocrite. The elves rebelled, stabbing Moses in the eyes. “Cor blimey! Me eyes! Jesus Christ it hurts!” Bellatrix wailed with laughter from her blowhole and rent herself in twain. Head dementor Ted fled before his C4 exploded. He danced over everyone, crushing them to death. Ted’s head bled red, the colour of communism, hammer and sickle in hand.  “That’s not C4! That’s heroine!”  “Abolish the prison state!” Anarchisted Bellatrix, still laughing, still halved. Moses had been devoured and the survivors arse-fucked squelchingly to protest harsh living conditions. Thus history was made.

 

 

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Chapter 38   
Snape entered Ane Alley, penises for eyes. No-one questioned this, nor did they not question this, whilst he gently conjured sheep with his cock eyes. The sheep nibbled their own butts, then his eyes. Snape blindly wandered, seeking new sexual opportunities whilst gargling cotton wool. Magic.   Just then, Hooch apparated and evaporated. Elsewhere Harry exploded. It was hot… and wet. The crowd cheered erotically, wiping away Harry’s cum-infested pants. Dumbledore came. Screaming like bereaved baboon on crack (ass crack), he was amazed and erotically charged by French soldiers waving huge ‘bayonets’. They gunned Dumbledore down with cock. 

“Take zat, Dumbleport.”  
Dumbleport bled faeces, lovin’ it as Snape watched blindly, seeing everything… kinda. The French troops gunned Snape down with their cocks.

“La robe, s’il vous plâit, Maître du sexe.”  

“Never!” Snape ejaculated, cock in hand, “Screw your emperor in his ass,” giving them Asstaculance from fair Paris. Trelawny, seizing moments, robes, asses, cocks, tits, faeces, and Harry, ran away. Snape thanked Trelawny nightly. Napoleon punished himself anally, weeping over failure again, fisting Dumblezorg.  
Who safe?! Dumblezorg died… not him. 

 

 

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Chapter 39

The Lovecraftian alpaca-loving tentaclicious monster reared back, aghast at the Lovegood. The Lovegood, angered by inferior tentacles, tried in vain to chain up tentacles to bed of mandrakes. Lunar Luna was turned into plant baby which, fucked and staggerin’, brandished its feeble machete violently. It cut and slaughtered everyone. Police poleaded pitifully for the release of death.   

“DENIED!” ejaculated Luna, machete-ing their truncheons, makin’ luncheon with crunchy mandrake babies. They wept shurikens, killing all sexual energy in Hogwarts. Harry screamed like mandrake and flaccidly came. *SPLOOP*   
Confusing flaccid phallus tentacles attacked Harry in mouth and came flaccidly. *SPLOOP* Their phallus-y fallacy upset Harry greatly. His sap flowed. Dissecting Harry’s schlong with Hippogriff talons, Dumbledore retched —laughing sexcellently—and threw sun into moon.   
Lunar Luna launched a counterattack at the Whomping Willow. Sun approached Earth. Hot damn(ation). Fleur tried to stop the inferno but Earth destroyed.

Voldemort woke up… his dream rocked.

 

 

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Chapter 40

Gilderoy flapped his newly grown wings and died painfully. Ginny was so enchanted by his purple come… yum…. blackberry flavour.. fruitylicious. “I like to drink it with blood and tears every Thursday.” She hated Friday but Fanta makes everything fantastic… fanciful… Fantalicious. Especially tax returns.

Entering Ane Alley sluggishly, her Domme exclaimed in protest. They fit right in Ane Alley. Vaginas engulfed vaginally Mary Poppins. “Supercalifragilistic-excrete-alley-douche-us,” she chuckled. Leather-laden Neville was whipped by his Dom, Cedric. Snape entered the church and prayed, “Dobbie the Dombie, bring me clean cabbages… it’s time to take everything.” His wand fell but luckily Draco had golden cum, as Dobbie discovered. Fermented cabbage mixed with Dobbie’s blood up Draco’s anus. He had been thoroughly prepared beforehand. Cue ritual anal Dombie practices, including eating the brains of junior Hufflepuffs, willingly stabbed erotically. The sex was feral and loud. Rivers of come cometh.

 

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Chapter 41

The blasphemous boggart was astonished when Wolf von Malfoy yelled ‘happy birthday’ in its face.   “It’s not my birthday, it’s my deathday. Seventy years ago Dumbledore was arrested when he protested, trousers around ankles, for world peace. A dirty protest. Perhaps a scrotest. My life was disgusting and delicious, in that order.”

Faeces spewed forth, but from who? And for who? A turning point. He asked himself ‘Why is the house elf drooling all over my sock on my cock? Great Scott!’ Wolf howled into a bloody frenzy. He longed for the sweet smell of fresh Dumbleblood flowing over his engorged, enlarged silky anus. True ecstasy!!! Maybe one day.  “Soon, I arrive home to find that Dumblebooty splayed like exotic dancer.”  Everyone burst into song, including Wolf, opera master extraordinaire. “As you wish upon a star, makes no difference unless you believe in almighty Satan.” Malfoy then departed.

 

 

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Chapter 42

Voldemort stretched languidly, his mouth around 5 feet wide, 8 miles deep. From cavernous depths crawled Hermione, unafraid. Voldemort’s digestive juices couldn’t digest juicy yet dry Hermione. Her soft yielding toenails, like rivers, withstood the test. Her body however was no river… ’twas ocean. “My clunge,” screamed Hermione as scuba divers commotioned inside her. Luckily she escaped with many plundered relics and well-licked plunderers. 

Elsewhere faeces rained, congealing, growing around Voldemort’s infinite anus. Harry saw this and wept anally. “Wowzers, my trousers!” His excitement killed the despondent mood like tapeworms kill. His ‘wand’ was gripped fiercely by his cock/schlong, and anus. Urine soaked his sphincter as cock moistens many Mediterranean meadows. He ignored this, laughing Ron-chily.

The Potions Sexmaster cried “PG-13-icus!” Cock left anus, wholesome family entertainment resumed. Harry gasped; his arse desullied itself globule by savoury globule. Hermione arrived, a tide of despair as she fell downstair, her bottom bare. Many episodes later: Hermione’s pregnant with octuplets and guppies. She undid this magically, but such magic has consequences, namely: face falls off. “What a mixup,” Hermione chuckled. The father was Dave. Mmmugglelicious. 

To save face, Hermione reimpregnated herself, but this time with clownes. They dazzled the world and themselves and the world nightly. But who’s Dave??

 

 

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Chapter 43

One stormy night Luna loved Neville and said to Ginny, while stroking her glorious hair, “I love Neville, especially dat sweet toosh/longbooty, yes. I’m so ripe in my heart but love Ginny infinitely more, babe.” Neville wept nakedly alone with his feelings, and cock. Picking Cockerel up to slap Luna, she smiled hungrily. Ready to devour Ginny’s gem while polishing her silver strap-on: “My Trojan Horsecock.”  


KABLAMO. It exploded sparkles on Neville’s face. He wanted it more than house elves want socks. Dumbledore dumbletore his bulging cock in twain after vigorous stroking across Neville’s broken dreams and body. Pleased to his dumblecore, this was a memory alright. “Some tea, m’boy?” Dumblecocks were leaking into the pale, Voldemortish, despicable butt depths of Severus while all the school watched.  “Observe please… especially Hufflepuffs,” ejaculated McG(one)agal while Snape ejaculated literally.

“McG(one)agal, thrust! Hagrid yank! I’m coming!” screamed Hagrid whilst eating Harry’s congealed blood, grinning. Harry orgasmed too, loudly. So did everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'clownes' are clowns and clones combined.  
> 'Ron-chily' is raunchily, but with Ron.


	7. Buy One Get One Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dark tales march ever onward, this time with clowns and bears and everything else you love.

Chapter 44

Heroine classes were educational, especially for Highmione Granger who was Philosopher’s stoned. She had just taken a few “chocolate frogs”/ 10 tonnes of coke.  
“Stop! Police!” (muggle police) “That’s an ass on fire!”   
Scoring more from IntravenAlley, she spun around, aflame, upon hearing the sound of horrific burning arsely deep. No-one recognised this anus…   

“WHATCHANAAAAME?!” He winked twice, firstly with an eye then with dat ass. Moody had finished shopping: “The police, they’re arsefiends. But I’m a murderfiend.”  

Highmione yelled, “Fuck the noise… not all police!” But she was wrong, all police must be ministry of magic employees. Ripping their muggle masks off, and their muggle butts, they revealed their goblonic agenda. Goblons spilled from every window and chimney. Swarming, they planned to topple headmistress Theresa May, “Fuck! Fuck those sweet shoes! Theresa may die. Save the shoes!” screamed Highmione, “This evil must not be allowed to die!” Holding her placenta, she drowned. In ass.  
Whose ass?!

 

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Chapter 45

Albus took Scorpius fiercely to see the Potions Sexmaster at the zoo. “Hello. Welcome to the zoo. Let’s visit the kangaroo; see cow go moo, see phoenix born anew. We screw; past death revived by hippogriff kazoo.” Scorpius scornfully scored, anally. His teachers were watching, laughing, defecating, hollerin’ and exclaiming, “Home run! DEEP green in my faeces!!” Albus’ cock shivered, anticipating and participating in penguinic and tigerific fury. 

“Jehova!” shrieked Neville, holding hands and cocks with Hagrid. Suddenly… ANIMAL STAMPEDE!  
“Yesss!!!” said the cows, “MOOOOOO!” while the Basilisk came over Harry and Draco’s love, literally and metaphorically. Their sons gasped, whooped, and threw themselves into the hyena pit. Laughter wasn’t heard that day, save anally.  

“Fuck!” spluttered Ron, screaming anally, throbbing down Severus Sexmaster’s throat. Severus severed serpents skilfully… the hyenas laughed. “Cocks are my fave.” Harry wept aloud and internally. Suddenly, second animal stampede for Harry’s golden balls ended dramatically with McGonnagal wrist-deep in Ginny’s tensing tiger. Harry’s snitches… squished.  
Who zoo?!

 

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Chapter 46

Twas the night for to boogie and the moonlight shone over yonder like mid-ranged chandelier. Only £11.99. Bargain. Buy now and get one free. Hermione was captivated, “Tis a noble Frenchman. Cock out, Harry!” Harry knobliged. Cock sprang out; enthralling, sparkling… effervescent, radiant. Betwixt the butt cheeks, arsely deep dwelt the guardian who was named Ron Weasley. He chafed—lovin’ it— oh yeah, baby. Ron did ponder life’s one true mystery: how best to guard freedom of speech verily.   

Dumbledore locked his dumbledoor and the other. Double dumbledoors. Forever hiding his dark office sex dungeon, he wept unmanly tears for his long lost buttocks-loving son. Ron’s orifice office opened and closed repeatedly like palatial stained glass doors. “Must… find… son… forsooth.”

 “Hark! There be a fine ass ahoy! Yarrrrrrrr!” shantied Hagrid the blackbeard. He yearned for dat ass-obsessed offspring too. All the booty… his. The Sexmaster’s booty glistened in the light of Harry’s arsely glow. It was beacon, beckoning seekers arsely deep, halleluja, praise the light lord Fumblebore. Fumblebore gayzed upon Hogwarts, sensing his earthly father and all the butts within.

 

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  Chapter 47

“Fuckerydoo!” Potions Sexmaster crowed, knee-deep in perfect harmony with his own butt and its squealings, *PREEEEPPEEP* *parp*  
Noises. Everywhere did shine with the light of god. Harry was surprised and extremely aroused but piously so. He shot Pastor Smackdown then went downtown. Snape did indeed frown with assless gown, and shat himself.

Harry chortled. Suddenly there was a huge bear who wanted Hagrid —The Glorious Megabear slaughterer. “You killed my faithful bit o’ rough trade. Prepare to die.”  Claws everywhere, he ran at a thousand miles per hour in a circle, shitting everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere, except from on Hagrid. Hagrid stripped slowly and slipped slowly his cock safely away, arsely deep. Dumbledore entered the shitstorm, ripped as usual, screaming. 

The bear sighed longingly. “Dem buns. Those gluuuuuutes. Oh my, them fruits. I’m going to devour this sceptred Isle if I can’t marry my Dumbledearest.”

 

 

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Chapter 48

Quidditch’s new rules were anally appreciated, especially by Harry who was seeking new ways to seek. Rule One: Ingest all the quaffles super fast, all bludgers very super slow, arsely and without complaint. Hooch hitched her sweet self to the next town then went down on a clown. Yippee. Also eww. The clown was dazzling and omnipotent, but also not. 

Snitch-snatcher Harry poured his huge mass into a prophecy sphere, awaiting the future. Meanwhile the present presented itself butt-naked, in clown form, luring many —like siren, including Dumbledore’s husband the bear, bearly containing his beard… if ya know what I mean. Their matrimony was a spectacle to run away from. 

“Hey! Remember me?! Rough trade?! You’re a Dumblefumbling Dumblefucker!”

Vlad, the bear, screamed and dove maw-first onto long-lost cock of Sexmaster Snape apologetically. CRUNCH. “Oo-la-la.” It was the wrong cock. Vlad apologised and left quickly.

 

 

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Chapter 49

The Gringott’s goblins rebelled, turning gold to lead and coins to grenades. They also shat everywhere out their cocks. A spectacle to behold. The explosions shocked England, Norway, Mongolia, North Korea, Venezuela, but not Rwanda. But then Rwanda. Suddenly Mexico was also hit with goblin semen. Ron rode the great wave from Mexico to Orkney via Madagascar and Japan: pit-stop at Rwanda, which became a sexy Hogwarts homage orgy. 

Harry got his wetsuit out. “Douse me in cum—straight from your bum into my tummy tum. Yum yum.” He winked, getting seriously fuckin’ ready. He waxed his ‘board’, already drenched. Dumblezorg sploodged all through Kig Alley, fatally.  
Anyway, “Surf’s up,” said Hagrid, “like my cock.” Harry revved his engines harder than ever before. VROOM, back to Hogwarts via Vladivostock, Uranus, Albuquerque and finally Hogwarts, but not before stopping off for the sexiest groceries including lingerie lemons and low fat yoghurt. Voldemort sold many used cars.  Who surf?!

 

 

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Chapter 50

Potter plotted. Potter pontificated. Potter screeched, attracting attention from Perilous Poltergeist Peeves who plopped his posterior bombingly at Hufflepuff *Bbbllllshhhchwww* Commence Hufflesplatter on puffleplatter. Fluffy carnage. Hermione gave generously and saved the planet as an afterthought. Dumblezorg was foiled again. Feeling ignored, Potter pottered, still screeching, undulating and evaporating into naught but good intentions. 

Peeves gasped alive, “Holy balls! So many minotaurs!” The minotaurs grew restless: they charged £16.99. Buy One Get One Free. Boggart bargain. Unmissable. Irresistible. Flash Sale, the manager, was sad as moist Christ descended. The heavens dried up.  
Felching Jesus, disciple Flitwick realised he was disgusted. He grabbed that cum. Cometh he who yank and spank on Sunday. Cometh Satan, heavy hatin’, masturbatin’. 

Potter still screeched. His throat ran red with wine; his eyes sunk into his throat then rolled up Lucifarse, so spacious it was, and fiery like chilli: twas a holy sphincter. Jesus cleaned up. He pumped out Flitwick’s pollen, fertilising the world greatly. The seedlings prepared.

 

 

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Chapter Floor (50.5)

Harry painted his bulging cauldron, which was his scrotazone. Potions Sexmaster Snape ladelled languidly inside Lily’s lovepocket. Lily loved pocketing herself nightly, though dark liquid bubbled forth… *SPLOODGE*. Luna Goodlover got what brought. Voldemort noticed this brought thing, and got caught taut… so fraught. But nought ought to have thought that Voldemort was distraught. Such snot. All fought sexcellently with sad faces, gay abandon and multiple orgasms: much bukakke. Kinda tacky… pretty wacky.  
Ron found too many reasons for loving Harry… sexually. Forever. Ron entered Harry like he was a lottery. 

Who gamble?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kigali is the capital city of Rwanda, don'tcha know


	8. Spontaneous Cumbustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tales march on in all their beauty and fervour, including hungry wolves, crab religions and the second year of Halloween and Christmas specials.

Chapter 51 - The 2nd annual Halloween Special

Spooky! Spectacular happenings abound. Love flowed particularly industriously, lazily, sexily… ubiquitously… UNTIL laughter broke Snape’s composure… and cock. His Halloween costume was too tight. Silly Snape, Halloweenie inside Hagrid’s pumpkin, carving out, carving in, until finally ready for pumpcock action.  

“Friendship. Friendship before fucking. But not before clucking or sucking.” 

Draco arrived with Wolf von Malfoy fully clothed by collar, cock out, cock pout. “Trick or treat!” he howled, running towards the silvery beard of Dumbledore. CLANG! METAL BEARD! Robot Grindelwald crashed into the sea of spooky spectres, semen splooshed spunkily over the onlookers. They bathed merrily.   
Suddenly, a witch! Which witch? Witch Spectre bewitched all.  
“Oh myyyyy! Look at dem devilish deatheaters dealing drugs!” She lunged for clunge but failed to stop. “Excuuuuuse Sirius Black! Now! Look over there!” In the distance a party raged outside Hogwarts. Harry was throwing moves and throwing up, his eyeballs back from Draco’s arse. 

“Yippee! I see… I see horror.” They fell out again, rolling away straight to Bombay. A spooky mist. A distant sound, “MEOOWW!” cats purred. Avril’s ghost observed but didn’t participate… and then left. Harry’s cat costume drew Wolf’s eye.

“Be my Frau?”  

Harry cattily came to spooky orgies. WOOF! SPLOOF! Ghosts wished them well. D’awww.

 

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Chapter 52 - The 2nd annual Halloween Special Part II

Orange coloured feces were mistaken for delicious pumpkin snacks. Upon realising the mistake he had not made, Snape hid the truth from devouring masses of leeches which lovingly turned to Jesus. Werewolves and whywolves converged on howwwwolves and gorgons. The writhing mass lunged at Ron, into his clunge.  

“Oh noes, I’m late for sextravaganza. Harry will not wait for me since his diarrhea has blocked access and shocked axes.” Dumbledore’s costume appalled all but himself so he removed his cock from the sorting hat.  

“SLYTHERIN!” it shouted. The pumpkin party suddenly exploded into vigorous folk dancing hippogriffs and Moshing Myrtle. Dobbie decided to face the jobbies. “Avast! Scallywags! I’ll eat jobbies like elephant.” Severus Snape jobbies fell blobbily from within jobbies long since forgotten and very rotten. Voldemort swept over the Halloween party, jobbies flying everywhere.

“Feast, my lovelies!!”

Draco scoffed hornily at the falling glory from above. “Jobbies on Halloween; I’m super keen. Spoopy poopies… woopee!” Suddenly an enormous witch flew in riding a jobby. Twas Witch Spectre, “Avera CRAPdavra! IMPOORIUS!” Cackling with glee and Halloween spirit, she removed her pants slowly, to music—specifically Ride of the Thestrals.

Applause. The party cheered then all died. Witch Spectre triumphant! But which spectre? Nick and Peeves revived everyone poorly. They died again, Witch Spectre truly triumphant. But which spectator truly triumphs tonight? Hermione howled in death, her corpse crushed Witch Spectre.   
Crappy Halloween!

 

 

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Chapter 53

“Listen up, kids!” screeched Filch as he mopped up Witch Spectre’s corpse, “A dummy! Funny… runny.”

 [Distant “AHAHAAA!”]

Spectre’s body exploded to life. Ron’s measly Weasley family converted to Spectreism, its key tenet: always run sideways from the truth. Molly, like crab, scuttled physically and nonphysically: she prayed,  “Dear Crabjesus, please my measly Weasley, orally, anally, vaginally. In that order.” Crabjesus obliged, pincers in sphincterz. Amen. What was this truth? The anticrabchrist McG(one)agal felched. Ron tiptoed towards hunky spunky jobbies. He delivered justice, parcels, and plagues of jobbies. Hermione hated indiscriminately. She despised Spectorians. 

“Damn those tiny fish. I want jobbies on my head!” Unsatisfied, she erupted like Vesuvius. Lava Croft, Tomb Embroiderer, Arse Plasterer and occasional psychic medium. Not Pompeii, Poo-mpeii. Lava began masturbating towards Ron… enraged. Her curves flowed, her cleavage showed, and her booty. Ron was alarmed. McG(one)agal was charmed. Then the world became better. Ron hated the new world. 

Who safe?!

 

 

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Chapter 54

Witch Spectre’s reign turned Harry on to hard drugs. He craved brown-brown so went downtown. He was going way down down on Coco Clown. 

“Not too shabby dear Harry. Go get flabby, don’t tarry.” Harry obliged, running his damn mouth upside down. Hermione got whiny and shiny feat. oil, “I wanna be as high as space sphinx balls.”

Harry’s Firebolt obliged but could only make her vomit past Halley’s comet. Her space journey caught the attention of hungry wolves who wolved down on Coco Clown: only nose remained. Harry came. Draco came better. Neville came worst. Dumbledore resolved to stop this erotic display of life and spontaneous cumbustion before the walls were redecorated by Witch Spectre’s evil scheme (colour).  He knew too well her love for pastels and took swift action to halt illegal activities on his walls and balls.

 

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Chapter 55 - The 2nd annual Christmas Special

Christmas at Snape’s house was the shit. He generously gave, and yet people still called him the disappointer. “Shameful! Disgusting! Snape’s readjusting!” Snape chortled like Santa sexily while he prepared for special guests. 

Carefully he groomed his sparkling tinsel, meaning his pubes. Harry and Ron arrived expecting a festive pumping but not only Snape’s tinsel was bristling… meanwhile Sonto delivered his bodacious bod to the joy of Snape ’n’ boys as he undressed and chimney-dived, meaning fellated, munching several candy canes. Suddenly the ghost of Spectre past appeared to the fear of all mortals. They ignored her, Harry opening presents. Every present was bra. “Just what I wanted, bras to be flaunted!”  

“Thats not your size!”  

“They’re for my thighs.”

“Lies!”  

“Surprise!” 

Snow shitted from yon winter sky. Santa’s sleigh soared southwards, “400 bras missing?! What?!”

‘Free titties make naughty house elves hunger for cock’, read the email sent by Snape. His fraud scam attracted many Christmas conmen and also seasonal cum-seeking sorcerers, filling their sorcerer’s stones and anuses. 

Happy holidays!


	9. Bombsmistress Bellatrix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More tales transpire in this chapter of yore, including dreams and villainous theft.

Chapter 56

One midsummer’s eve Harry fell into his own despair and donkey orgy. Harry found Bottom (Neville Long) on shrooms. Neville was forlornbottomed and dancin’ a catchy rhythm, fast, so fast, faster than even adrenaline junkie boggarts. 

Harry’s enthused package endured bomb disposal, his ‘red wire’ cut to shit; still packing heat.

“HE’S ARMED!” shrieked Bombsmistress Bellatrix. She lit his fuse and divested energy from his glorious detonator. Banging Bellatrix was and is, except Tuesdays when she’s gettin’ it. The ticking and licking resumed despite Harry’s explosion. Bits of Harry’s flammable spunk rained forever. It gained sentience and talons, causing imbalance in the magical world of gambling.

Blackjack Bellatrix played her last hand.

Who’s ace?!

 

 

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Chapter 57

Twice now the moon appeared in Alabama. Once it forgot to rise and instead a dragon was moon. Jealous, the bulbous moon cried soup on TV. The producers tasked Oprah with solving five crimes. The fourth crime presented a puzzle so complex that even Oprah was stumped. 

Luckily the criminal confessed his love, eclipsing Oprah’s failures and ratings. Thus enraged, Oprah grabbed a fully complicit porcupine and married it. Their lovely honeymoon was *that moon*, such honey.

“Funny,” said Oprah. She cancelled her show and snorted cocaine off Porcy’s quills. Dream come true. But her nightmare was unlocked by murder, moon, dragon, and her producer.

Harry woke up.

Who’s Oprah??!

 

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Chapter 58

Oprah arrived at her destination. Elsewhere in Hogwarts her favourite teacher was watching Oprah on the mugglevision. McGonnagal dived far beneath the bowels of Oprah’s favourite teacher and viewers’ expectations. Magic was afoot in Gringott’s. Oprah’s bulging bank account, Operatic Opioid Operations, had been robbed.

Detective Severus was busy fisting himself. Therefore inspector Longbottom found the cash, but not the missing fister.

“Ahoy,” Fissure-Fisting Flitwick yelled from ship, the Jolly Rogered. 

“What knot is that fisting?” mumbled Hermione.

“Set sail frail whale.” Whale—sexily sailed—hexily failed to find Snape and his buried fist. Suddenly a crackin’ kraken cracked open five eggs and cooked up the entire ship whilst frackin’ & whackin’. Dumbledore approved, and was not happy and cast a spell from his Dumblecore. He smiled sexily but disapproved of his previous approval. Disapproved, because Doppeldore wanted to help. He was lone Doppeldore; born t’score. McClonegal, Hermione Stranger, and Pawn Weasley revealed themselves.

“Let’s let chaos reign,” said Voldernot cheekily… a real badboy amongst boys. He conjured instant-kill custard. Gloop gloop. Neville arrested it and threw it into Voldernot’s mouth. Voldernot excreted nasally but still died a beautiful death. 

“Phew, it’s over,” chuckled Bellatrix LaNormal, Oprah’s money thief. Behind her came Detective Severus, chuckling, seeking his severance. He arrested her and protested her, thereby releasing her sexual energy. Ensorcelled was he, and ceased to be thinking clearlee.

Oprah’s safe… safe?


	10. Snape’s Yule Log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a daring departure from our usual format, we delve into The 3rd Annual Christmas Special and only one other tale, for now!

Chapter 59 - The 3rd Annual Christmas Special

It was Christmas but also Tuesday… Butt Tuesday. The festivities commenced with a BANG. Santa ho-ho-ho’d all through the castle, fuckin’ students and statuary, warming them with Christmas cock n’ balls. Snape’s Yule log slipped out moistly, then his cock. Filch’s tinsel tickler wrapped tightly around aforementioned log’n cock. 

Jingledore was upstairs and downstairs. Hermione instinctively knew it was Christmas by the trail of shit, reindeer, and slugs anally ejected from herself. 

Ginny jingled within Azkaban. Her nipples festively jangled everyday, concealing key documents which revealed Christmassy love affairs and murders. Anal sludge lubricated door and dissolved steel bars. Ginny free (with purchases). She see that she free, but also sea. 

Meanwhile at Hogwarts Draco arrived again. Everyone froze, literally and anally. Butts fell off verily. Santa heard. He was banned from Hogwarts but couldn’t resist Snape’s asslessbody, or cock. Bazinga! Santa ploughed merrily through detached butts when a heartattack fucked him up both nostrils… festively. 

Anyhow, Ginny appeared, her name cleared, acting very weird, with fresh beard. Dumbledore felt challenged and aroused so he shat. The Hogwarts Christmas tree adopted Neville’s ex-longbottom. Butt power was immense: so immense that Neville’s butt produced a singularity. Santa was in hospital; Pomfrey pounced on presents.“This Christmas sleighed me!” shouted Snape anally. “Don’t.”

 

 

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Chapter 60

Outside wind moved and snow howled, blanketing Hogwarts castle. Wolf von Malfoy slept peacefully alone. Spells were cast. Snape cast last. He was mid-cast from his ass when a blast rumbled past, fast. It was ghast(ly), Dick Dast(ardly), coming fast(ly). Sick. Malfoy sneered bast(ardly), thinkin’ ‘bout himself and grandpa Wolf inside Dick Dastardly’s heart. He was beloved as ventricles pumped up the volume. DROP THAT BASS!  
CATCH THAT PIGEON!

Never had Hermione shaken her hiney, but now she crave that beat with her feet. She flocked like birds to Wolf’s lone mountaintop.

“Vilkommen, petite Frau, would you—” 

Hermione vomits.

Her regurgitation encapsulates Malfoy fatally… almost. Engulfed by Snoke Pukemuncher, he hardened Dastardly’s dick. Excreted, Malfoy wept n’ slept wet. Reborn.


End file.
